Dogma

Going back to school makes everyone goes nuts after a long break, but for some reason I was a bit excited to go back today. As my AP Biology teacher began class I understood why. God shows me His light through even a class.

Dog-ma: an official system of principles or tenets concerning faith, morals, behavior, etc., as of a church.

This word confused me big time when my teacher began but slowly I understood. In all honesty when he started the class off with a word that makes no sense I got pretty crabby. I zoned out of the Biology talk when things began to light up my interest about my faith.

All of a sudden my teacher begins talking about how there are distinctions between metal and wood. As far as we know metal has never been alive where as wood has. 

Wood has DNA so it is alive. Understanding and accepting God's love is what makes us alive. When we enter into His presence we become filled with the holy spirit and truly live for the first time.
Metal is not alive because it doesn't have DNA. Those who do not understand nor accept God's love are caught in the haze of the "real world." 

My teacher went on to tell us that the nonliving things such as metal that have no genetic information do not make proteins. Those people who have not been shown God's love and grace don't have the info they need to pursue God. I have been set in my life to have the genetic information so that I can pursue God and his love for me. This is why we go out and tell others about God's love and we live in it day to day so others can become alive in His love. DNA makes proteins. Knowledge of God's love makes us live. 

The difference in God's love than in metal and wood is that us as the brothers and sisters in Christ can help others live. Where as, wood can not go help metal get genetic info. WE HAVE HOPE. Having my teacher also go into breaking down a word so he can talk about scribes in the Bible was God shaking me say this was for me.

Maybe it is easier to look at it in a simpler way. 


Wood has DNA and we have God's love so we are alive. Metal has no DNA and some people don't have God's love so they are not truly living. Although people that are not living still has hope to be shown God's love. Sadly, metal can not be shown DNA.


Does your head hurt?

Yup, I am a Biology nerd but also a nerd for my God's love and everything He does to help us experience it. I may have missed some of bits of information through out the class period because of my deep thought process but I will learn it. God has a plan and what He did today in 3rd period was show me why I sit in that igloo of a building for 7 hours a day, so I can continue pressing up the mountain.

Why turn back then?

It's been a while. It's been a crappy while. I tripped and fell in the past month and a half and proceeded to continue rolling this whole time. I went to Colorado for the Peru Cru reunion though. On Thursday, December 29th I left at 6 in the morning and spent up until this past morning with 9 out the 12 members that helped show me God is real for the first time in my life. For the past 6 months December 29th was all I could think about but just like any other day; it came and went. Yet, the day was different, along with the others since than. I was able to grow and be encouraged in my faith. I was able to be understood. 

I didn't want to go in all honesty. I had fallen. Would all of them still include me in the "real world"? Would they see and be disappointed that I had fallen back?

Those questions that threw me for a loop were the work of the devil, bringing me down.

The past 4-5 days were amazing. I experienced so much, mountains, ice skating, and the love that conquers the "real world". This is my conclusion.

"God, you hold me and guide me. My life is in your hands. You reign over all. I don't know much about theology and my memorization skills are very crappy. You taught me so much just in 4 days. I am slowly going up the mountain. With your love I am going to grow into freedom. Continuing to seek you, I will pour love into what I do. Please help keep me awake and alive. YOU ARE REAL! I have felt your presence. Feeling your presence brings you into my heart and I will seek you. You forgive me and welcome me back with loving arms. I'm not sure if this is it but I will accept this grace and forgiveness. In no way am I deserving of this except through my savior, Jesus Christ.

'He loves you more than anything. My son was tempted but did not fall into it because of his love for you. You are new and forever loved. My love never ends, it shines on. Daughter, I love you and will carry you through this. Remember the truth. Continually search for it.'

With Love,

Yahweh

Daddy, I trust you with what is to come. You changed me through the Peru Cru. I love them all so much, it scares me at times. But I know that it is also you in us all that brings us together in such a way that glorifies you beautifully. I would not know these wonderful people if one year and one day ago I wouldn't have e-mailed the lady at AIM. I looked for you and you showed yourself. Thank you. So here is to a good 2012. I will continue climbing the mountain. Only you know what is around this upcoming corner and the next and the one after that. My first full year of knowing your love. :)"

All I know right now is that I want to remember this blog, remember my time in Colorado but more importantly remember why I have pursed God. His love brings me to life. I love Him with all my heart. So as the song "Find My Own Flame" goes... "I don't want to ride on somebody else's passion. I don't find that I am just dry bones. I want to burn with unquenchable fire, deep down inside, see it coming alive." I start new. I am going to meet my daddy, my God. I am going to enter in and get personal. As much as it freaks me out, I know that He loves me and that He has called me for something bigger than myself. Why turn back then?

The road from Worrying to Contentment

This past week brought a lot of worry. Whether the worry came from a paper due, quizzes or tests, trying something new or not sure of what I was going to say to my church this past Sunday, I was haunted. Once I finished one thing another one came up, then another, and another. During my time in Peru I talked through my worrying with one of my leaders. I got over the major ones like constantly making sure my family was alright. Now it is the weekly and daily worries.

First off is when I spoke yesterday about my Peru trip at my church. I was a wreck for a week because I wasn't sure how I was suppose to say what I know I needed to. Finally, I broke and told God I really needed his help. I needed to be centered in His love to get it written, to organize my thoughts. He helped me center my thoughts and get it out on paper, which resulted in an amazing Sunday morning!! God spoke through me to so many people!

This morning I opened up the Max Lucado book I have been reading called Traveling Light. One of the two chapters I was going to read today was about worry. For some back round info, this book travels through Psalm 23 and discusses giving our numerous troubles to God and putting it in His hands. In the chapter Lucado uses Hebrews 4:16 as an example and added an emphasis. "Let us therefore boldly approach the throne of our gracious God, where we may receive mercy and in his grace find timely help." After this verse he goes on to tell about how God gives us things right at the perfect time. Lucado's example is that as him and his daughters board a plane just as they get to the attendant he hands his daughters the tickets so they can in turn, right away, give it to the attendant.

Many worries go through my mind everyday. What will I do this summer? Am I strong enough to do that? Do I need to do this? What if I don't get this paper done? How will I ever get this project done? Even the little ones about school I need to give to Him! God needs to take them from me. The page the verse and example were on finishes with Lucado writing this. "God leads us. God will do the right thing at the right time. And what a difference that makes."

God will give us what we need, when we need it. As long as I can get over my pride and hand over the worries, He will provide

Receiving, Worrying and Worth. Oh my!

I have realized that this new life of following God is all about learning new things and possibly passing them on to others. I really dislike learning new things... So this is something I will just have to except which holds a bit of irony with what this blog post will be.


Repeatedly in Peru I was told accept, receive, say thank you. The main place this came about was the second to last night in Iquitos (finally evening in Peru) when the girls went to the leaders room and had girl time. One of my fears surfaced when they said, "Let's do makeovers!" Really? My freshman year of guard at the first sleepover I got a makeover. It scared me. The freshman year makeover just washed out of my mind as some ridiculous little evening. I enjoy dressing up a little, sometimes. Me pretty?  But this was with people that got to my heart, I had a feeling this was going to impact me more than just a silly little evening. It did.

When it all began I was completely against it, one of my leaders had to scream at me to "RECEIVE IT!" It seemed harsh but I was being really ungrateful. I remember having the girls finish. They looked at me and squealed your so pretty! I almost told them to cut the crap and let me be. Even though I kind of did like that they actually CARED enough to do this for me. I turned around and the same leader looks at me and said I was stumbling beautiful. Stumbling? That broke to my heart. Never had I thought that. Still, I insisted against looking in the mirror. I didn't want to see. I thought I had just gotten my hopes up. So as I walked into the bathroom and slammed the door I turned around... WOAH! I was, it didn't look like me, it didn't look like the girl that had left her family and friends at the airport that day. Truth be told I hadn't looked like that girl for a good 1 to 2 weeks. As I walked out of the bathroom everyone waited for a response. I'm not sure if I really knew what to say but I remember looking at one girl that really touched my heart on the team (my mosquito net buddy) and told her that I was pretty. Later I had to talk this over with my other leader. It was so odd that this had come up on a mission trip. But that was only the beginning of being pushed to knowing I have to respect myself.

Since I have been home I have been comfortable with who I am inside. I have 2 Corinthians 5:13 backing me up on that one. But with my looks. It is challenging. I get told that I am beautiful but I don't get it. I don't understand what it really means. Why am I? Is it just some nice compliment that people give me? I know when I give complements they are from my heart, but are others?

I haven't figured out why yet but I also don't really like being pointed out. Like in a crowd or classroom or group of peers. Dislike! Sometimes I just want to say in the background. Especially when I am not comfortable. As long as I know that I am appreciated then I really could care less if I get recognized. But then when I say that it still don't seem spot on. There is something else there but I'm not sure. I am scared of people hating me for it... There it is. Found it! SCARED! I have been in that place when I am the one that is bitter. I have put people in the place where they should be scared for being pointed out and I am not proud of it. The thing that hides down inside me is that I don't want anyone to hate me I don't want them to be bitter for me being recognized. I feel like I should just erase the earlier part of the paragraph because that is it. I don't want others to think that I am better because I have been pointed out. I don't want others to hate me! I just want to be accepted.

That is why it threw me over the edge last night at our indoor show when I received the Most Outstanding Color Guard award and Junior of the Year in the color guard. Were others were mad, upset, did they deserved it more? Why me? All I really want is to be loved. I don't want others to toss me out because I won those awards. What if they hold a grudge? I am so very grateful for receiving them but do others hate me for it. Will they always be upset? What if they don't think of me the same again? I'm glad that I got them but I don't want to be pointed out for it because I want to be on the same level as them so they don't hate me.

This is not how I was expecting this blog post to turn out... Not at all... I just figured something out about myself. See how I said God teaches us things and we are always learning. Yup I learn while I type these blogs up.
Where I thought this was going was the accepting and receiving way but it took a detour. So I am still working on the accepting and receiving that I am a beautiful daughter of God but I am also going to have to start working out the being afraid of being hated. In my head I tend to imagine peoples reactions when I don't know them.

Lastly, I realized last night once again God answers prayers. I have been asking him to have people know that I am NOT perfect! So I learned last night that I am not perfect because I dropped my HUGE toss on rifle on the stage in front of everyone. How is that for a lesson? I enjoy it actually. He didn't make me drop I made me drop but there is a message behind it. He does teach us new things. Oh how I love him.

 

The makeover picture.

Ray of Hope

For a week now I had been dreading this project, a collage about me. What in the world was I suppose to do. I got in class yesterday and sat down with a feeling of dread as I looked at the randomly thrown together pictures. As a last hope I asked my teacher how I create something like the model he had on the board. He showed me one effect and told me to go at it... I wasn't the happiest at this moment but I put my iPod in and got to work. It almost was like I spaced out for 20 minutes. At the beginning I tried to really listen to the songs I had playing they seemed like they should be speaking to me. Everything fast forwards from there because 20 minutes later that picture was on my screen. Then I had a voice come into my head with that text. I HEARD HIM!! He said that to me. He gave me hope, in my graphics class!!

Spoiled Food

I have been struggling lately. No one would know that. My facebook, blogs and mostly cheery attitude covers it up very nicely. My journal entries on the other hand, my thoughts, they eat me alive, consume me into a darkness.

Lately, my mind has been consumed in so many worries, problems, troubles, choices and sins. What keeps coming back is how no one knows of this struggling. I am not perfect. People believe I am. Why? Because I don't want to show my hurting or struggles. I don't want to open up. The way I look at it is who wants to open the package of spoiled food when they can go open the one of fresh. I don't want to have anyone make the choice of opening the spoiled. What if they do and can't deal with it? What if they already have too much on their plate, completely out weighing mine?

A more recent struggle is hearing Him, God. Towards the end of my Peru trip I began hearing Him partly. When I got home it continued but has begun to die down. Although I feel like I constantly hear "I love you." I wrote in my journal the other night when I felt I had finally cracked the code of why I feel like I keep hearing that sentence. Here is the entry:

Also um all I hear from you is that you love me. It is like when I read a text book and read a sentence over and over and over and still don't get it. You keep telling me but I don't understand. Man I just don't get it anymore.

Some day will come the time when I hear that sentence and understand but right now I am stuck between that and other things. Days are coming and going. Soon some lightness will be shed.

Doubting, The LJ and 26 Wonderful People

I will be the first to admit that I doubted. I doubted that God would come through with this one, with this one plea. I needed a fire to light in my soul for this color guard. I needed to be able to be close not just physically but mentally. I needed to put my heart into this group that has been there for me the past 3 years. This St. Louis weekend needed to be it.

I was able to. It happened my heart opened up. These 26 other people yanked open my heart. I couldn't be any more happy.

This past weekend we had our disagreements and the lack of sleep led to some words that should not have been said but in the end God came through. He always does. In the end my loving father is there to catch me when I fall. He is there to catch us 27 high schools through the up's and down's. 

Although if I must chalk up this weekend to one lesson, one main point. 

Love is everywhere. In all honesty when I came back from doing life with the Peru Cru for 3 weeks I thought I would never get close to anyone here at home again. I felt I was domed. But when I got a note that helped encourage me, when I was able to sit and be involved in a pre-show pow wow to strength all of us, when my presence was wanted, when I as a person was accepted, when kind words were shared, when all I wanted to do was give my parents a hug after performing, when we were able to be crazy as a group and when we were able to love each other by just being present I was shown that I can love again and be loved here. I belong. That means the world to me.

My list of struggles is still over flowing (whose isn't). I am by no means anywhere close to perfect. My walk with my father is crumbling at points. I sometimes forget, slip. I should be trying much harder. This weekend though, it needed to happen and it did. God came through and eventually I will get to a point where I will be able to say He will come through as I ask him. But like I said I am not perfect and doubt... I am working on it though.