Receiving, Worrying and Worth. Oh my!

I have realized that this new life of following God is all about learning new things and possibly passing them on to others. I really dislike learning new things... So this is something I will just have to except which holds a bit of irony with what this blog post will be.


Repeatedly in Peru I was told accept, receive, say thank you. The main place this came about was the second to last night in Iquitos (finally evening in Peru) when the girls went to the leaders room and had girl time. One of my fears surfaced when they said, "Let's do makeovers!" Really? My freshman year of guard at the first sleepover I got a makeover. It scared me. The freshman year makeover just washed out of my mind as some ridiculous little evening. I enjoy dressing up a little, sometimes. Me pretty?  But this was with people that got to my heart, I had a feeling this was going to impact me more than just a silly little evening. It did.

When it all began I was completely against it, one of my leaders had to scream at me to "RECEIVE IT!" It seemed harsh but I was being really ungrateful. I remember having the girls finish. They looked at me and squealed your so pretty! I almost told them to cut the crap and let me be. Even though I kind of did like that they actually CARED enough to do this for me. I turned around and the same leader looks at me and said I was stumbling beautiful. Stumbling? That broke to my heart. Never had I thought that. Still, I insisted against looking in the mirror. I didn't want to see. I thought I had just gotten my hopes up. So as I walked into the bathroom and slammed the door I turned around... WOAH! I was, it didn't look like me, it didn't look like the girl that had left her family and friends at the airport that day. Truth be told I hadn't looked like that girl for a good 1 to 2 weeks. As I walked out of the bathroom everyone waited for a response. I'm not sure if I really knew what to say but I remember looking at one girl that really touched my heart on the team (my mosquito net buddy) and told her that I was pretty. Later I had to talk this over with my other leader. It was so odd that this had come up on a mission trip. But that was only the beginning of being pushed to knowing I have to respect myself.

Since I have been home I have been comfortable with who I am inside. I have 2 Corinthians 5:13 backing me up on that one. But with my looks. It is challenging. I get told that I am beautiful but I don't get it. I don't understand what it really means. Why am I? Is it just some nice compliment that people give me? I know when I give complements they are from my heart, but are others?

I haven't figured out why yet but I also don't really like being pointed out. Like in a crowd or classroom or group of peers. Dislike! Sometimes I just want to say in the background. Especially when I am not comfortable. As long as I know that I am appreciated then I really could care less if I get recognized. But then when I say that it still don't seem spot on. There is something else there but I'm not sure. I am scared of people hating me for it... There it is. Found it! SCARED! I have been in that place when I am the one that is bitter. I have put people in the place where they should be scared for being pointed out and I am not proud of it. The thing that hides down inside me is that I don't want anyone to hate me I don't want them to be bitter for me being recognized. I feel like I should just erase the earlier part of the paragraph because that is it. I don't want others to think that I am better because I have been pointed out. I don't want others to hate me! I just want to be accepted.

That is why it threw me over the edge last night at our indoor show when I received the Most Outstanding Color Guard award and Junior of the Year in the color guard. Were others were mad, upset, did they deserved it more? Why me? All I really want is to be loved. I don't want others to toss me out because I won those awards. What if they hold a grudge? I am so very grateful for receiving them but do others hate me for it. Will they always be upset? What if they don't think of me the same again? I'm glad that I got them but I don't want to be pointed out for it because I want to be on the same level as them so they don't hate me.

This is not how I was expecting this blog post to turn out... Not at all... I just figured something out about myself. See how I said God teaches us things and we are always learning. Yup I learn while I type these blogs up.
Where I thought this was going was the accepting and receiving way but it took a detour. So I am still working on the accepting and receiving that I am a beautiful daughter of God but I am also going to have to start working out the being afraid of being hated. In my head I tend to imagine peoples reactions when I don't know them.

Lastly, I realized last night once again God answers prayers. I have been asking him to have people know that I am NOT perfect! So I learned last night that I am not perfect because I dropped my HUGE toss on rifle on the stage in front of everyone. How is that for a lesson? I enjoy it actually. He didn't make me drop I made me drop but there is a message behind it. He does teach us new things. Oh how I love him.

 

The makeover picture.

Ray of Hope

For a week now I had been dreading this project, a collage about me. What in the world was I suppose to do. I got in class yesterday and sat down with a feeling of dread as I looked at the randomly thrown together pictures. As a last hope I asked my teacher how I create something like the model he had on the board. He showed me one effect and told me to go at it... I wasn't the happiest at this moment but I put my iPod in and got to work. It almost was like I spaced out for 20 minutes. At the beginning I tried to really listen to the songs I had playing they seemed like they should be speaking to me. Everything fast forwards from there because 20 minutes later that picture was on my screen. Then I had a voice come into my head with that text. I HEARD HIM!! He said that to me. He gave me hope, in my graphics class!!

Spoiled Food

I have been struggling lately. No one would know that. My facebook, blogs and mostly cheery attitude covers it up very nicely. My journal entries on the other hand, my thoughts, they eat me alive, consume me into a darkness.

Lately, my mind has been consumed in so many worries, problems, troubles, choices and sins. What keeps coming back is how no one knows of this struggling. I am not perfect. People believe I am. Why? Because I don't want to show my hurting or struggles. I don't want to open up. The way I look at it is who wants to open the package of spoiled food when they can go open the one of fresh. I don't want to have anyone make the choice of opening the spoiled. What if they do and can't deal with it? What if they already have too much on their plate, completely out weighing mine?

A more recent struggle is hearing Him, God. Towards the end of my Peru trip I began hearing Him partly. When I got home it continued but has begun to die down. Although I feel like I constantly hear "I love you." I wrote in my journal the other night when I felt I had finally cracked the code of why I feel like I keep hearing that sentence. Here is the entry:

Also um all I hear from you is that you love me. It is like when I read a text book and read a sentence over and over and over and still don't get it. You keep telling me but I don't understand. Man I just don't get it anymore.

Some day will come the time when I hear that sentence and understand but right now I am stuck between that and other things. Days are coming and going. Soon some lightness will be shed.

Doubting, The LJ and 26 Wonderful People

I will be the first to admit that I doubted. I doubted that God would come through with this one, with this one plea. I needed a fire to light in my soul for this color guard. I needed to be able to be close not just physically but mentally. I needed to put my heart into this group that has been there for me the past 3 years. This St. Louis weekend needed to be it.

I was able to. It happened my heart opened up. These 26 other people yanked open my heart. I couldn't be any more happy.

This past weekend we had our disagreements and the lack of sleep led to some words that should not have been said but in the end God came through. He always does. In the end my loving father is there to catch me when I fall. He is there to catch us 27 high schools through the up's and down's. 

Although if I must chalk up this weekend to one lesson, one main point. 

Love is everywhere. In all honesty when I came back from doing life with the Peru Cru for 3 weeks I thought I would never get close to anyone here at home again. I felt I was domed. But when I got a note that helped encourage me, when I was able to sit and be involved in a pre-show pow wow to strength all of us, when my presence was wanted, when I as a person was accepted, when kind words were shared, when all I wanted to do was give my parents a hug after performing, when we were able to be crazy as a group and when we were able to love each other by just being present I was shown that I can love again and be loved here. I belong. That means the world to me.

My list of struggles is still over flowing (whose isn't). I am by no means anywhere close to perfect. My walk with my father is crumbling at points. I sometimes forget, slip. I should be trying much harder. This weekend though, it needed to happen and it did. God came through and eventually I will get to a point where I will be able to say He will come through as I ask him. But like I said I am not perfect and doubt... I am working on it though.

Questions?

Never would I have thought that I could be doing some ultimate procrastination well attempting to get ahead in my classes.The reason I need to get ahead is for the time I will miss next week. Wow, I almost fooled myself there for a bit. There is no need to get ahead in my classes!! The reason I do school work is because compared to what I could be doing, compared to what I am procrastinating, school work is NOTHING!!

I should be living dangerously close to my father... Am I?

No. So I'm not, but my next question would be, how do I? That one I can't answer. I have to trust in Him to get an answer. Doesn't that lead to living close to Him, hearing something? Am I stuck in this never ending circle?

Why does that thought of going into my church and worshiping with others make me want to run the other way? Why does the thought of going in my room to read my bible bring up a feeling of disappointment? Because I feel I won't hear anything. Why are there somethings that I feel are impossible to pray about? Because I feel He can't fix them. WHERE IS THE TRUST? There is no answer to the first question so I struggle for an answer and there are answers for the second two so then I struggle to fix the answers.

I have always heard that we don't necessarily get answers to our questions. Although, if there was one question at this moment right now that would be promised to be answered it would be, "God, I thought I was loving you and trusting you. If I am not really, how do I? HOW DO I?"

It is all I really want, is to be able to trust Him with things, turn to Him in anything. Why is it that I have all these random feelings, these random question, these random doubts?

Maybe the fact is that I need to stop concentrating on everything at once and that I just need to pick something to work towards. It just seems to hard.

This isn't a very insightful blog, just many, many questions.

Embracing the Love!

It seems insane that this song speaks so much to my heart. Take a listen.