The road from Worrying to Contentment

This past week brought a lot of worry. Whether the worry came from a paper due, quizzes or tests, trying something new or not sure of what I was going to say to my church this past Sunday, I was haunted. Once I finished one thing another one came up, then another, and another. During my time in Peru I talked through my worrying with one of my leaders. I got over the major ones like constantly making sure my family was alright. Now it is the weekly and daily worries.

First off is when I spoke yesterday about my Peru trip at my church. I was a wreck for a week because I wasn't sure how I was suppose to say what I know I needed to. Finally, I broke and told God I really needed his help. I needed to be centered in His love to get it written, to organize my thoughts. He helped me center my thoughts and get it out on paper, which resulted in an amazing Sunday morning!! God spoke through me to so many people!

This morning I opened up the Max Lucado book I have been reading called Traveling Light. One of the two chapters I was going to read today was about worry. For some back round info, this book travels through Psalm 23 and discusses giving our numerous troubles to God and putting it in His hands. In the chapter Lucado uses Hebrews 4:16 as an example and added an emphasis. "Let us therefore boldly approach the throne of our gracious God, where we may receive mercy and in his grace find timely help." After this verse he goes on to tell about how God gives us things right at the perfect time. Lucado's example is that as him and his daughters board a plane just as they get to the attendant he hands his daughters the tickets so they can in turn, right away, give it to the attendant.

Many worries go through my mind everyday. What will I do this summer? Am I strong enough to do that? Do I need to do this? What if I don't get this paper done? How will I ever get this project done? Even the little ones about school I need to give to Him! God needs to take them from me. The page the verse and example were on finishes with Lucado writing this. "God leads us. God will do the right thing at the right time. And what a difference that makes."

God will give us what we need, when we need it. As long as I can get over my pride and hand over the worries, He will provide

Receiving, Worrying and Worth. Oh my!

I have realized that this new life of following God is all about learning new things and possibly passing them on to others. I really dislike learning new things... So this is something I will just have to except which holds a bit of irony with what this blog post will be.


Repeatedly in Peru I was told accept, receive, say thank you. The main place this came about was the second to last night in Iquitos (finally evening in Peru) when the girls went to the leaders room and had girl time. One of my fears surfaced when they said, "Let's do makeovers!" Really? My freshman year of guard at the first sleepover I got a makeover. It scared me. The freshman year makeover just washed out of my mind as some ridiculous little evening. I enjoy dressing up a little, sometimes. Me pretty?  But this was with people that got to my heart, I had a feeling this was going to impact me more than just a silly little evening. It did.

When it all began I was completely against it, one of my leaders had to scream at me to "RECEIVE IT!" It seemed harsh but I was being really ungrateful. I remember having the girls finish. They looked at me and squealed your so pretty! I almost told them to cut the crap and let me be. Even though I kind of did like that they actually CARED enough to do this for me. I turned around and the same leader looks at me and said I was stumbling beautiful. Stumbling? That broke to my heart. Never had I thought that. Still, I insisted against looking in the mirror. I didn't want to see. I thought I had just gotten my hopes up. So as I walked into the bathroom and slammed the door I turned around... WOAH! I was, it didn't look like me, it didn't look like the girl that had left her family and friends at the airport that day. Truth be told I hadn't looked like that girl for a good 1 to 2 weeks. As I walked out of the bathroom everyone waited for a response. I'm not sure if I really knew what to say but I remember looking at one girl that really touched my heart on the team (my mosquito net buddy) and told her that I was pretty. Later I had to talk this over with my other leader. It was so odd that this had come up on a mission trip. But that was only the beginning of being pushed to knowing I have to respect myself.

Since I have been home I have been comfortable with who I am inside. I have 2 Corinthians 5:13 backing me up on that one. But with my looks. It is challenging. I get told that I am beautiful but I don't get it. I don't understand what it really means. Why am I? Is it just some nice compliment that people give me? I know when I give complements they are from my heart, but are others?

I haven't figured out why yet but I also don't really like being pointed out. Like in a crowd or classroom or group of peers. Dislike! Sometimes I just want to say in the background. Especially when I am not comfortable. As long as I know that I am appreciated then I really could care less if I get recognized. But then when I say that it still don't seem spot on. There is something else there but I'm not sure. I am scared of people hating me for it... There it is. Found it! SCARED! I have been in that place when I am the one that is bitter. I have put people in the place where they should be scared for being pointed out and I am not proud of it. The thing that hides down inside me is that I don't want anyone to hate me I don't want them to be bitter for me being recognized. I feel like I should just erase the earlier part of the paragraph because that is it. I don't want others to think that I am better because I have been pointed out. I don't want others to hate me! I just want to be accepted.

That is why it threw me over the edge last night at our indoor show when I received the Most Outstanding Color Guard award and Junior of the Year in the color guard. Were others were mad, upset, did they deserved it more? Why me? All I really want is to be loved. I don't want others to toss me out because I won those awards. What if they hold a grudge? I am so very grateful for receiving them but do others hate me for it. Will they always be upset? What if they don't think of me the same again? I'm glad that I got them but I don't want to be pointed out for it because I want to be on the same level as them so they don't hate me.

This is not how I was expecting this blog post to turn out... Not at all... I just figured something out about myself. See how I said God teaches us things and we are always learning. Yup I learn while I type these blogs up.
Where I thought this was going was the accepting and receiving way but it took a detour. So I am still working on the accepting and receiving that I am a beautiful daughter of God but I am also going to have to start working out the being afraid of being hated. In my head I tend to imagine peoples reactions when I don't know them.

Lastly, I realized last night once again God answers prayers. I have been asking him to have people know that I am NOT perfect! So I learned last night that I am not perfect because I dropped my HUGE toss on rifle on the stage in front of everyone. How is that for a lesson? I enjoy it actually. He didn't make me drop I made me drop but there is a message behind it. He does teach us new things. Oh how I love him.

 

The makeover picture.

Ray of Hope

For a week now I had been dreading this project, a collage about me. What in the world was I suppose to do. I got in class yesterday and sat down with a feeling of dread as I looked at the randomly thrown together pictures. As a last hope I asked my teacher how I create something like the model he had on the board. He showed me one effect and told me to go at it... I wasn't the happiest at this moment but I put my iPod in and got to work. It almost was like I spaced out for 20 minutes. At the beginning I tried to really listen to the songs I had playing they seemed like they should be speaking to me. Everything fast forwards from there because 20 minutes later that picture was on my screen. Then I had a voice come into my head with that text. I HEARD HIM!! He said that to me. He gave me hope, in my graphics class!!

Spoiled Food

I have been struggling lately. No one would know that. My facebook, blogs and mostly cheery attitude covers it up very nicely. My journal entries on the other hand, my thoughts, they eat me alive, consume me into a darkness.

Lately, my mind has been consumed in so many worries, problems, troubles, choices and sins. What keeps coming back is how no one knows of this struggling. I am not perfect. People believe I am. Why? Because I don't want to show my hurting or struggles. I don't want to open up. The way I look at it is who wants to open the package of spoiled food when they can go open the one of fresh. I don't want to have anyone make the choice of opening the spoiled. What if they do and can't deal with it? What if they already have too much on their plate, completely out weighing mine?

A more recent struggle is hearing Him, God. Towards the end of my Peru trip I began hearing Him partly. When I got home it continued but has begun to die down. Although I feel like I constantly hear "I love you." I wrote in my journal the other night when I felt I had finally cracked the code of why I feel like I keep hearing that sentence. Here is the entry:

Also um all I hear from you is that you love me. It is like when I read a text book and read a sentence over and over and over and still don't get it. You keep telling me but I don't understand. Man I just don't get it anymore.

Some day will come the time when I hear that sentence and understand but right now I am stuck between that and other things. Days are coming and going. Soon some lightness will be shed.

Doubting, The LJ and 26 Wonderful People

I will be the first to admit that I doubted. I doubted that God would come through with this one, with this one plea. I needed a fire to light in my soul for this color guard. I needed to be able to be close not just physically but mentally. I needed to put my heart into this group that has been there for me the past 3 years. This St. Louis weekend needed to be it.

I was able to. It happened my heart opened up. These 26 other people yanked open my heart. I couldn't be any more happy.

This past weekend we had our disagreements and the lack of sleep led to some words that should not have been said but in the end God came through. He always does. In the end my loving father is there to catch me when I fall. He is there to catch us 27 high schools through the up's and down's. 

Although if I must chalk up this weekend to one lesson, one main point. 

Love is everywhere. In all honesty when I came back from doing life with the Peru Cru for 3 weeks I thought I would never get close to anyone here at home again. I felt I was domed. But when I got a note that helped encourage me, when I was able to sit and be involved in a pre-show pow wow to strength all of us, when my presence was wanted, when I as a person was accepted, when kind words were shared, when all I wanted to do was give my parents a hug after performing, when we were able to be crazy as a group and when we were able to love each other by just being present I was shown that I can love again and be loved here. I belong. That means the world to me.

My list of struggles is still over flowing (whose isn't). I am by no means anywhere close to perfect. My walk with my father is crumbling at points. I sometimes forget, slip. I should be trying much harder. This weekend though, it needed to happen and it did. God came through and eventually I will get to a point where I will be able to say He will come through as I ask him. But like I said I am not perfect and doubt... I am working on it though.

Questions?

Never would I have thought that I could be doing some ultimate procrastination well attempting to get ahead in my classes.The reason I need to get ahead is for the time I will miss next week. Wow, I almost fooled myself there for a bit. There is no need to get ahead in my classes!! The reason I do school work is because compared to what I could be doing, compared to what I am procrastinating, school work is NOTHING!!

I should be living dangerously close to my father... Am I?

No. So I'm not, but my next question would be, how do I? That one I can't answer. I have to trust in Him to get an answer. Doesn't that lead to living close to Him, hearing something? Am I stuck in this never ending circle?

Why does that thought of going into my church and worshiping with others make me want to run the other way? Why does the thought of going in my room to read my bible bring up a feeling of disappointment? Because I feel I won't hear anything. Why are there somethings that I feel are impossible to pray about? Because I feel He can't fix them. WHERE IS THE TRUST? There is no answer to the first question so I struggle for an answer and there are answers for the second two so then I struggle to fix the answers.

I have always heard that we don't necessarily get answers to our questions. Although, if there was one question at this moment right now that would be promised to be answered it would be, "God, I thought I was loving you and trusting you. If I am not really, how do I? HOW DO I?"

It is all I really want, is to be able to trust Him with things, turn to Him in anything. Why is it that I have all these random feelings, these random question, these random doubts?

Maybe the fact is that I need to stop concentrating on everything at once and that I just need to pick something to work towards. It just seems to hard.

This isn't a very insightful blog, just many, many questions.

Embracing the Love!

It seems insane that this song speaks so much to my heart. Take a listen.

Embrace The Love!

Everyday brings up a new Peru thought. A new God thought. A new way to picture different things in this world.

The past weekend was a pretty great one I am getting butterfly's in my stomach just thinking about typing it.

I may or may not have hinted to the night of Real Life worship in some of my other blogs. The thing is the Peru Cru's last night at the treehouse entailed a intense,loving, eyeopening and scary night of worship for me. AIM's Real Life team (now Passport) in Peru came and led an outstanding worship service. 

At the beginning I was so excited even though I couldn't get into it because I didn't know many of the songs. As the night went on they played a few that I knew really well. I just let it go. But then a wall came and blocked my heart. There really is no other way to describe it. I cringe when I think of it because all of a sudden I didn't feel anything. I got intimidated by everyone wrapped up in the spirit. I got scared that I couldn't reach that. I got angry that God was leaving me out. Slowly I moved into a corner wanting no one to see me or notice me. I wrote in my journal about his wall and how there was nothing there. As the music and voices swelled I became completely overwhelmed and bolted out the door secretly hoping someone to run after me.

I curled up behind a wall and began to weep. The old me was barging back in telling me that I was worthless and the enemy was blocking the newly found me so I felt like I couldn't get back. A doubt began surfacing. I became scared that I would turn back, back to the old me. The one I was before God scooped me into His loving arms. As I looked over the field I saw a shadow out of the corner of my eye. As I turned my head it was my leader who had ran after me.

Before this weekend when I have thought about this moment I have been so thankful to her and how much she loved me and that she would run after me. But this weekend as I was riding home from a marching band competition I stared out the window and for the first time felt that it was God. That it wasn't my leader that ran after me, it was Him. My father. He ran after me to bring me back from slipping. My leader sat there with me and prayed to keep the enemy away. My loving father threw the enemy to the side and hugged me. As I look back God lifted my chin in that moment and told me that I am worthy, I am loved and am His precious little girl. He than took my hand and helped me go back into that church and spoke to me once again through numerous songs. He surrounded me with the Peru Cru and the Real Life team and gave me this confidence in what I believe. He showed me what I wished for in my journal before I left for Peru. God showed me that ground breaking moment.

In all honesty, the next morning when my team had family time for the last time at the tree house I was not happy about the night before. It made my stomach not set right. It messed with my head, made me feel SO uncomfortable.

Crowds and large groups of people don't sit well with me normally. So I am still working though worshiping in them. It will take some time but God is stirring something in me. Whether this something is right around the corner or years from now God has a plan and will guide me where I need to be as long as I don't turn away.

His love pours onto all of us. We just need to receive it. We can receive it. God sent his son to die on the cross for our sins, for the things that make us impure. That is LOVE. Accept it, embrace it and say thank you as you live it out in this life He has given you.

Something Beautiful

In your ocean, I'm ankle deep
I feel the waves crashin' on my feet
It's like I know where I need to be
But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out

Just how much air I will need to breathe
When your tide rushes over me
There's only one way to figure out
Will you let me drown, will you let me drown?

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

And the water is rising quick
And for years I was scared of it
We can't be sure when it will subside
So I won't leave your side, no I can't leave your side.

Hey now, this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
'Cause I am down on my knees.
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

In a daydream, I couldn't live like this.
I wouldn't stop until I found something beautiful.
When I wake up, I know I will have
No, I still won't have what I need.
Something Beautiful

Hey now this is my desire
Consume me like a fire, 'cause I just want something beautiful
To touch me, I know that I'm in reach
Cause I am down on my knees
I'm waiting for something beautiful
Oh, something beautiful

I really have taken a liking to this song in the past 6 months. I feel I get something different from it every once in a while. Honestly, it is helping express exactly where I am at right now.

I have been back from Peru for almost 6 weeks (this Saturday) now. It is a struggle. During my 3 weeks in Peru I was changed. I found that God is real. He is ever present. As I said for the last have my trip, God is REAL. :) Because, I discovered he is.

Right now the very beginning of this song speaks to me. In your ocean I'm ankle deep. During the last night at the tree house (I will get to that blog post eventually) I wrote in my journal how I had dipped my toe in the water and wasn't turning back now. So right now I am sitting in SD ankle deep but thinking way to much into it all, trying to be perfect, flawless. But wait God uses broken and messy people!! I don't need to try to be perfect I just need to seek him in all I do.

That brings me to the next line. I feel the waves crashing on my feet. Because I do, I feel God giving me little glimpses of his love.

It's like I know where I need to be. I realize in his love is where I need to be. Completely living for him is where I need to be. But then I get stuck.

But I can't figure out, yeah I can't figure out. I really can't. I think I'm trying to hard. I know I am trying to hard. There comes a point when you have to step back and let God take the reins and that is NOT what I have been doing. As I am typing this it is occurring to me that I am living my life for HIM so why am I trying to control it all?! Things aren't always going to go my way because MY way isn't the same as HIS way!!!!

Just how much air I will need to breath. When your tide rushes over me. That is not my place to worry. He will prepare me for that. I just need to do what I can like worship and love!!

There's only one way to figure out. Will you let me drown? Will you let me drown? He WON'T LET ME DROWN! I will not go back. It just won't happen. God is leading the way. He knows where the path goes so I don't need to worry.

Louisa... Teaching?

I never thought my name and that word would ever combine. The thought of being a teacher never appealed to me. I always wrote it off and thought maybe there is something else, something more exciting. Although in

Peru I became amazed!

First I will start with the background story though. During the past school year I realized many times that I had to step up and help some of my classmates. I dismissed the idea that I was actually helping them pass because I didn't think of it like that. I thought, "Since I can figure this out and our teacher can't seem to teach it to them I will just help them." Never did it settle in my brain that I was actually TEACHING them what they needed to know to pass the class. I was just trying to be friendly and kind, it's not fun to see people you have gotten close to fail. One day well I was sitting in Sunday School we did the highs and lows of the week and of course my low was that I was trying to pass and helping 5 others attempt to pass in this certain class.  One of the adults helping out looked and me and told me that maybe it wasn't a burden and that maybe it was something I needed to look into. Maybe God was trying to tell me something!

Wait, hold up. Me, Louisa Jastram a teacher, ya right. It gave me the creeps so I dismissed it but still hid it in the back of my mind where it would creep up from time to time.

It began creeping in Peru. This became a good creep though. I partially, kinda, not really accepted it. Still, in Peru we taught an English class almost everyday we were at the tree house. Our first class was very music based and became so much fun!! We sang a few songs for them and then taught them How He Loves in English. It was pretty powerful night and on the way back from Sappy Sappy( the pond) me and my sleeping buddy were walking with this man and we began to sing Here I Am To Worship off his phone. It was so very powerful!

Another night a part of my team went out to teach. I got there and automatically realized a difference in how the night was going to be based. Right away I got teamed up with a girl. I was really confused one what we were suppose to do. Then our translator looks at me and says they want to learn verbs. From then out the night became outstanding! My favorite part of Spanish I and II were verbs. Why? Who knows! It just was! Now I got to sit here in Peru at a beautiful pond at sunset and teach this outstanding girl verbs! It was such an eye opening experience, for the first time I really got to bond with a person who speaks a completely different language in a different country! After the verbs, we spoke sentences! I am honestly doing this night NO justice! I remember going back afterward to the tree house just bursting with excitement! That night was life changing! I didn't think that then but I do now. Gods plan for me may or may not be related to this but He shook me up alright. (I realize there is an excess of explanation points, I was trying to get my point across. Since it may not have worked that well you will have to ask me for the story in person!)

All of the other English classes were fantastic as well! The last night was pretty moving knowing it was possibly the last time we will ever see them. 

Unfortunately the wonderful girl I taught was not in this picture on the last night. But she has changed me. I am now going to start my Spanish III class tomorrow for my Junior year! :)

Discovering the Tree House

That tree house... It brought out so much. It turned those deep dark places and exposed light. The seeds hidden were able to feed off that light and shoot out roots that are now growing, growing from the light of God and feeding off the water that I am dipping my toes into. They went from horrid to part of my story, my testimony. Beautiful.

The tree house became our home. That first day we all got there after a pray circle and a group photo, the work began. For the first time in my life I experienced "making camp". The rope was strung from above and we began tying mosquito nets to it how ever we could. Some of the Peru Cru members and I almost did some serious falling off of shoulders to get that accomplished but it came to be. (My mosquito net buddy and I never really understood our mosquito net until the second to last night we had to sleep in it. We cuddled every night for a good 3 weeks.)

The first day already we experienced the kids. Their faces and smiles and hearts were incredible!!! I have never been normal acting around kids, they just make me nervous and I become extremely awkward. So I attempted to get into it with playing some fútbol and pato pato gonzo. Then of course dehydration set in and I got a major migraine, which was alright I needed some down time!

That next day God began to shake me again.

"Rise up oh you sleeper awake, the light of the dawn is upon you. Rise up oh you sleeper awake, He makes all things new, all things new."

I was beginning to be new.

Travel Purgatory

Imagine a bus packed with enough people to make it 3 to a seat and all there luggage and you have to sit on it for 2 hours! Sounds awful doesn't it? Well when you add in that it is 2 in the morning and you are on your way with your team to the airport to leave for Peru it automatically becomes amazing! Because when you have a person sleeping across your lap and are squished in between a person you met 4 days before and another person you have never met you don't have enough room to even think of complaining. 

The morning of July 4th was the CRAZIEST forth of July I have ever experienced. By 9 a.m. the Peru Cru and I were sitting in the Fort Lauderdale airport ready to start an 8 hour layover! The time flew by so fast I can't even remember how we spent the hours. At around 5 we boarded the plane to Lima and were now in "Travel Purgatory" as one of my team mates called it.

My first plane ride out of the country was an interesting one. I never realized what it was really like to not understand most conversations around you until that. Although the 6 hours spent on that plane opened up a lot of things. I look back in my journal and realize I was stoked about what was to come! Things had changed and I had realized that. But only in the aspect of that I possibly could be related to a bit, and only a bit. Let's just say that wasn't even close to half of it!

As we arrived in Lima I almost couldn't control myself I was a nervous wreck being told to go here and not there and say this and not that. But I made it through and soon was in the corner of the Lima airport camping out with the Peru Cru waiting for our 6 a.m. flight. I had been up for about 23 hours and had eaten a McPollo which was very stressful to order. Slowly I drifted off to sleep on the cold airport floor. 

3 hours later I wake up to talking and the first thing that registers in my brain is that they are talking about brushing their teeth. At that, I jump up or what felt like jumping up and went and experienced using dry shampoo and attempting to feel clean when you are completely gross! 

Skipping past some crabbiness, sickness, sleep deprivation and a flight delay...

On the flight to Iquitos I could hardly handle it! The sky and ground, everything was SO BEAUTIFUL!! It was the most amazing sight I had ever seen! Before I knew it we had touched down in Iquitos. After meeting some very important people we headed off to where we would be staying. It took about 2 hours but when we arrived I couldn't believe it. I was seriously in Peru and as I jumped over a puddle with my suitcase and saw "The Treehouse" we would be staying in. I got teary eyed and extremely scared... (Not anything an amazing pray circle couldn't fix though!)

Boken and Messy?

Where to begin? How about the very beginning.

I went to Peru. On June 30th I left Sioux Falls for the first time on an airplane. I made my way over to Chicago and then down the Georgia. There in the airport I met up with 4 of my teammates and 1 of my leaders. With a packed bus and growing anticipation we headed off to Gainsville for 3 days of training camp. The first meal with my new family was a bit awkward for me at least. It was just 10 teenagers having just met trying to find something common to talk about, we settled on the phone call interview. 

That first night was rough. All I remember was letting God have it about how He left me in the dust. Threw me out to Georgia and into a 3 high bunk bed with bugs everywhere! In my journal I say how nothing that could happening during the day could ever surpass this horrible feeling. I remember writing that... It is truly how I did feel, not anymore though.

At the end of the first full day of training camp I caught a glimpse of God beginning to move even if I didn't know that is what it was. Our team of 13 (3 leaders and 10 ambassadors) had instantly meshed! We all were broken messy people. That took me by a major surprise as you can see by my past post I thought I was the utter mess. The best part is we all unraveled the messes as a team. This really doesn't do training camp any justice because there are SO many other things that took place but you will have to wait for the right time and place to hear that.

When leaving the airport in Atlanta on the way to Peru I was clueless about what my father had in store for me. I assumed what had just happened at trying camp was a change in it self and there was no way anything more could happen. But it did. He pulled through and changed me forever! You all are just going to have to wait for the continuation. :)

The Peru Crü! Only the beginning of the adventure.

My Vow

This trip isn't about finding what I want to do with my life or whether I'm perfect in Christ. This trip is about finding You. Many of the other kids already know You so well, but I don't. I can get to know the great father that is behind the creation of the world and the capitalized He's and Him's. God, as your guitar impaired awkward acting child, I'm ready to really find you.