Spoiled Food

I have been struggling lately. No one would know that. My facebook, blogs and mostly cheery attitude covers it up very nicely. My journal entries on the other hand, my thoughts, they eat me alive, consume me into a darkness.

Lately, my mind has been consumed in so many worries, problems, troubles, choices and sins. What keeps coming back is how no one knows of this struggling. I am not perfect. People believe I am. Why? Because I don't want to show my hurting or struggles. I don't want to open up. The way I look at it is who wants to open the package of spoiled food when they can go open the one of fresh. I don't want to have anyone make the choice of opening the spoiled. What if they do and can't deal with it? What if they already have too much on their plate, completely out weighing mine?

A more recent struggle is hearing Him, God. Towards the end of my Peru trip I began hearing Him partly. When I got home it continued but has begun to die down. Although I feel like I constantly hear "I love you." I wrote in my journal the other night when I felt I had finally cracked the code of why I feel like I keep hearing that sentence. Here is the entry:

Also um all I hear from you is that you love me. It is like when I read a text book and read a sentence over and over and over and still don't get it. You keep telling me but I don't understand. Man I just don't get it anymore.

Some day will come the time when I hear that sentence and understand but right now I am stuck between that and other things. Days are coming and going. Soon some lightness will be shed.